Healing Broken Hearts

I thought that when I wrote this post it would be filled with excitement and joy. I thought things would have turned out differently. My heart is broken. But I want to share. It helps me to heal. And to somehow make sense of the situation.

8 months ago I received an e-mail from a friend. Her foster son of almost two years was going to be placed for adoption. His parents and other family members could or would not take him back. My mind raced. I asked myself so many questions. Would his foster family adopt him? What would happen to this sweet boy? My heart hurt. As I sat reading and rereading the e-mail and reeling it over in mind my thoughts were interrupted by the words," This is how Eli will get his brother". I was stunned. Stunned. I knew what it meant. Sophia and Eli had been telling me for months that somebody was missing and that I needed to have another baby. I had a mini panic attack and I started to fight back. I'm sad to say this how I reacted to what I believe was personal revelation from my Heavenly Father. I had just started school three weeks earlier. I had homework and tests. I already have 4 kids. This was not part of the plan. These were my justifications. And so I fought this thought for three days. I actually had convinced myself it was PMS week and that I was not in my right mind. But the thought did not leave me.

So three days later we are sitting in church. It just so happens that this child lives with a family that we attend church with. It was the Primary Program that Sunday. This means that all the children in our congregation were on the stand singing and doing their parts in the microphone. As this child stood to do his part I decided to lean over to Matt and whisper to him that Victor was going to be placed for adoption. He would not be going back to his family. At that point I thought I was just passing information. Matt just kinda looked at me and we kept watching the Primary program. About 10 minutes later Matt leans over to me and says, " I know we need to talk about this, but we have to adopt Victor". I could hear the emotion and urgency in his voice. If you ask Matt about his experience he would say that when I told him about Victor, he was filled with what he describes as "pure light and knowledge" entering his soul. He said there was no question about what we were to do.  And as soon as he said those words to me I felt the most peaceful feeling. "I know", I responded. And then the tears began to flow. This was immediately followed by another thought cutting into my thoughts; "This is what I've been trying to tell you". It was so clear that we needed to adopt this child. I can't accurately describe the feeling except for to say that it was beautiful. And Matt and I were sharing it in a most intense way. It was one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had. Matt would say the same.

So the next day we started the adoption process. It has been a long, time consuming, & emotional process. But through it all we have felt at complete peace. I look back on the last 8 months and I cannot figure out how I was able to balance the adoption stuff, school and being a mom and wife and everything else that comes with living life. The journey has been beautiful and we have seen doors open that the state said were impossible. The state caseworkers said that us adopting him was impossible. They were backlogged 12-15 months and he would not be in the system that much longer. Can you believe that for the entire Washington County there are 2 part time workers and one full time worker to fulfill all the demands of adoption home studies? Or the numbers might be opposite, but either way there are not enough state workers to meet the demands. They told us we would have to set our hearts on another child. And each time they said it was impossible I felt this intense need to fight for Victor. To protect him. I call it my mama bear mode. It became apparent that I would need to fight however I needed to fight. I was not about to let some random state workers tell me that it was impossible. I finally got one state worker named Nicole to listen to me. She let me know that her hands were tied because she too worked for the state, but that she was going to send me the names of every private adoption agency in the state and that this would be our only chance. And so our journey with working with a private agency began. They were able to complete in 3 months what the state can accomplish in 12-15 months. It took a lot of time and commitment on our part to complete all the hoards of things they needed from us. It was crazy, but we knew it was worth every minute.

And we did it. We were selected as a good match for Victor from his caseworker. We knew that we would most likely be going to committee against two other families. But we were assured that because we knew him and could keep him in the same community that we would be highly likely to get him. It made sense for him. Because he already knew our family, the trauma of having to go to  new family would be minimized. And with everything we had we knew it was going to be a huge blessing for our family. During the last 8 months we have had many overnight visits and day visits with Victor. It's been a wonderful experience.We were all anticipating him becoming our new son and brother. And we were all so excited.

And then committee day happened on Wednesday, June 20th. We were notified that one of the families that was supposed to be going to committee had dropped out. So it was going to be us against another family. We learned that this other family was also of the LDS faith (this was something that was important to Victor), but that they had no connection to Victor, nor did they live in the same community. The meeting was to go from 10-1 and we would know as soon as the meeting was over. Our caseworker called us at 12:40. Because there were only 2 families being represented at committee the meeting had ended a little early. She told us that the state adoption placement specialist was having a really hard time deciding and that we wouldn't know until the next morning.

Morning came and went. We were all so nervous, but mostly excited. We waited almost all day. And then the call came at 4:00 in the afternoon. Our caseworker had received an e-mail that simply stated that we had not been selected as Victors family. She said that there was no explanation and that by law they didn't have to give one. What? My goodness, we put our heart and soul into this. We at least deserve an explanation. She sounded very sad. She said that we had been selected as the back up family. This means that if he doesn't transition well into his new family, that there is a possibility that we could become his family. But our case worker has told us that this instance is rare. We were stunned. We felt so sick. This was not the answer we were expecting. At. All.

Why they would place him in a family he has never met & rip him from the community he knows and loves  we will never understand. When we look at the things Victor stated were important to him it's hard to believe that the state committee adoption specialist placed him with his best interests at heart. He stated that he would love to have siblings both older and younger that he could play with. This family does not give him that. I have no bad feelings towards this other family. I know they stepped forward from the goodness of their hearts, too. But what are they offering Victor that we could not? The state told us how important it would be to give him as much continuity as possible. He has thrived in his current foster home and in this community. He already has such traumatic memory of the abuses he suffered,  so to provide him with as much continuity as possible would benefit him greatly. This is what we were told. Our family would have let him keep the same friends, stay in the same scout troop and church congregation, and because we reside in Washington County he would also be able to keep the same medical and dental care. The state also told us they were looking for a family that could help him keep his Spanish up so he could continue to have meaningful connections with his biological grandfather in California. Matt speaks Spanish fluently. All the pieces matched up perfectly. All of this was supposed to be the key to us being selected as his family.  He would have had to move schools and get used to us as his family, but other than that we provided all the continuity the state said he would need. We felt so sure we were supposed to be his new family.

And now he has to start all over in every way.

Why?

How is it possible that one little boys whole entire life hinges on the decision of one woman? I knew it went to a committee, but not that the entire decision laid in the hands of just one adoption committee specialist. It doesn't seem right.

We can't make sense of it and it is breaking our hearts.

This must be what it feels like to loose a baby or a child. This is a pain Matt and I have never known. And it hurts.

All we can do at this point is try to move forward. We hope and pray that maybe there's something huge we just can't see and that for some unknown reason the family that was selected is the family that Victor truly will thrive in. With all the prayers that went into this I have to believe that he's in the right place. Right? But then why does it feel so wrong? This is so hard. We actually watched him interact with our family. He would have fit in perfectly. He already did.

We are having a really hard time believing in the state system right now. We at least deserve an explanation. They were so cut and dry in their e-mail. It felt cold. How can they play with peoples hearts like that? We really feel that the state needs to revamp the way they interact with families who are going through this process. It's not a game. This is real people with real feelings.

It broke my heart yesterday when Eli looked at me and said, "Mom, I had plans for me and Victor. We were going to have a lot of fun together". All of our kids are sad, but for Eli and our tender hearted Sophia it has been the most difficult.

This is by far the hardest trial we have ever faced.

But we continue forward with faith. And we hope that one day soon this will all make sense. Because we know we did what we were supposed to do. We do not question that. But most importantly we want what's best for Victor and we want to know that he is happy.

Victor will be transitioning into his new home this next week. This knowledge of our family trying to adopt him cannot get into his ears, so we ask that you please be careful when/if speaking about it.

And please don't feel bad if you are reading this and were not aware. We had to keep it quiet. Mostly to protect his heartstrings. We just hoped that when it was the right time to share the news that it would be a time for celebrating.

The incredible outpouring of love from friends and family we have received has been amazing and has helped give us the strength we need right now. I am so grateful to be surrounded by such goodness.