"Friends Are God's Way Of Taking Care Of Us."

I need closure. For the past 6 years I have been struggling with feelings of sadness and inadequacy and I need it to be over. I am hoping that by writing about it I can clear the sadness out of my soul and move forward. My sadness is by no means debilitating, nor does it require medicine, but it's a sadness that creeps into my life every so often and causes me to question my worth. One of those very effective tools of the devil.


When we first moved into this neighborhood I was so looking forward to meeting new neighbors and neighborhood play dates for my children. We were moving from the country where we never had many neighbors, so this was going to be a new experience. Soon after our arrival we had some amazing neighbors who brought us cookies, came over to introduce themselves, and great families who invited us into their homes. I love hanging out with and getting to know people, so this was the ultimate. I was so grateful to these awesome families for welcoming us in. We moved in in December, so it wasn't until the weather started to warm up that we saw much of our other neighbors. One day I was out front with my kids. They noticed some other kids that looked similar in age playing up the street and I noticed that there were three Mom's that I had never seen before out conversing also. Soon my kids were making their way up the street to join the other's . I was fine with that and thought of it as a perfect opportunity to go and meet my new neighbors. The kids were all so friendly and welcoming when we reached them, but the Mom's just looked at us, looked away quickly and continued their conversation. I lingered for a minute thinking that they would surely acknowledge me after their conversation. No. I got a feeling that we were tromping on unwelcome ground. I was so shocked and hurt by this. All I could do was gather my children and lead them home. For a couple of months I let this eat at me. Was I weird looking? Why would these women not want to get to know a new friend? One day I happened to be out in the neighborhood at the same time as one of the women who had been out that summer day. She introduced herself and immediately offered an apology for her actions that day. I needed to hear this and it proved to be very healing. She is now a good friend and our kids play together regularly.



Last week I found myself in a conversation with a sweet woman who I met several years ago. She was in a past ward with us and I have great respect for her. She does much good in the schools and in the church and is really one of the nicest people you could ever meet. As we talked she began to express her sadness and frustration in not feeling very loved and supported in her ward family. My heart felt for her. I have felt her pains before. This is where the "I need closure" part comes in.


When we first moved into our current ward family there were so many families who welcomed us with open arms. They were anxious to invite us into their homes and took a sincere interest in us. For these people I will forever be grateful. It was these people who made our transition into our new ward family easy and happy. They made us feel so comfortable. And those families remain some of our dearest friends. There were also families who never seemed to care to get to know us. I don't know what their circumstances may have been at the time of our arrival, so I try hard to not have hurt feelings, but it doesn't work. I try to pep talk myself,"You're good enough. You're smart enough and gosh darn it, people like you"! That works for awhile. I try to take the lead and reach out, but to no avail. Why can't I just let it go? It leaves me feeling discouraged. It pains my heart. I have prayed about it. I have asked for strength to forgive and and to be blessed with an increase in love towards these people. I try to reach out and be myself when they are around, but often times I end up feeling like I don't belong. It irritates me that I do that to myself. I know that I am doing the best I can. I know that I am a daughter of God. I know that they are children of God. I know that I am a good person and try to love those around me. Now I need to just let go of my feelings of inadequacy. I need to move on without sadness. My husband has this great talent of being able to brush off negative feelings, remind himself that he is a child of God and move on. I struggle with it more ( obviously!). I have many great friends who have brought me flowers or cookies, called just to check in , invited my kids to their homes, e-mailed me to give me messages of love and support, and in many other ways have reached out and touched my life for good. I cherish them. I cherish my amazing husband and my kids. They uplift me and at times help me to feel sane. I think it's just a very human thing to want to connect with others. Isn't that partly why we are here? I hope that I can do a better job of reaching out to people. I regret losing touch with good friends during the last several years. It takes work to maintain good friendships and in the craziness of raising four small kids and moving I'm afraid I didn't do the best job of maintaining some of those friendships. For that I am sorry. I miss these friends and realize now more than ever how much they mean to me. Thank goodness for the blogging world that has allowed me to reconnect with some of these great people.



It feels good to write about my struggles. I hope and pray that this will help me find that closure that I need. I hope that my sweet friend who is also feeling sad can find strength and comfort and be confident in the knowledge that she is beautiful just the way she is. I will keep a positive perspective and I will try to be a better friend. I know I am by no means perfect in this, but I will press forward with faith and choose to be happy.