Courage To Accept Thy Will

The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I've ever had to endure. I know that I am going through  the grieving process. I knew I was sad, but after talking with a friend about some of the emotions I have been dealing with she told me that I was going through the same feelings somebody who has  lost a loved one goes through. Shock, sadness, anger, more sadness, feelings of helplessness and then acceptance of the situation. I've felt it all. Not tons of anger as much as confusion.

On Sunday as we were sitting in church we sang the hymn, "As Now We Take the Sacrament". In the last verse it says, 

As now we praise thy name with song,
The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts,
And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will,
To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We’ll walk thy chosen way.

At the part "And silently we pray, for courage to accept they will, to listen and obey", I lost it. The tears flowed freely.  I'm trying so hard to have that courage. I know Matt and I obeyed the promptings we received. We were supposed to go down this road. I know that. So, now what? 

We have this completed home study and at our word we could start being matched to other kids on the state web site, but thus far we don't feel strongly about that option. Not closed to it either. And maybe it's just way too soon to even be thinking in that direction.

The other night as I was reading my scriptures I came across this scripture in Doctrine & Covenants section 58:

 26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is ^acompelled in all things, the same is a ^bslothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

 27 Verily I say, men should be ^aanxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

 28 For the power is in them, wherein they are ^aagents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their ^breward.

And for some reason it has stuck with me. What if we never get that strong prompting to adopt again? Do we just move forward anyways? Because we could be the means of giving a child a happy life? At this point I am refusing to believe we would come down a road like this just to hit a brick wall. That's reasonable, right?

So many questions. But serious questions, that need real answers. This isn't like picking out a puppy after all. This is about bringing a child into our family. And that's huge.