Never Alone

Over the summer something happened to me that has never really happened to me before.

I fell into a depression for a couple of months.I just couldn't shake it. It wasn't the kind of depression that made it impossible for me to get out of bed each day,but it was always in the back of my mind. Haunting me. Of course I've had bad days. Even really sad days. But this went deeper. And it was painful.

So what that my family wasn't invited to go away for the weekend with a huge group of friends?

Normally I would be sad and then realize my blessings and shake it off, but this just broke my heart. And instead of shaking it off I spent two months wondering what was wrong with me and my family. And the answer I came up with is this: Nothing is wrong with us. We're a pretty loveable bunch. But it put me over the edge. Seriously, a weekend get a way? It should take more than that to send me over the edge.

I felt rejected. I tried so hard to count my blessings. And for two months I fought feeling nothing but lonely. Such a dark place to be in. I questioned who my true friends are. I questioned the possibility of only letting family into my bubble. Because then I would never have to feel rejected by friends. I tried to convince myself that I didn't care that we weren't invited. It didn't work. And while I was feeling all of these negative feelings I could also feel that I was putting up walls.

I was becoming somebody I didn't like and it scared me.

I love people. I love being social. I don't want to shut people out. What good would it do me anyways? I realized I was hurting myself and possibly my family. While I tried to pretend and smile through my pain, I know my family must have felt the stress. My sweet husband was so patient as he listened to me cry and try to sort out my feelings. He gave me articles to read in the Ensign (church magazine) that brought new perspectives and helped me to see the bigger picture. He loved me.

Isn't that what we all want? To be loved and accepted. To feel a part of something great.

The rational side of me knows that I am surrounded by tons of people who love me and my family. That I am part of something great! For goodness sakes, I know who I am. I know God has a plan for me and my family. I feel His hand in my life in so many ways. I have a husband who adores me. I have four amazing kids that bring so much joy into my life. I know that we can be together forever! I have a huge extended family that we see often and love us so much. And I do have GREAT friends who reach out and love me and my family as well. So, how could I be feeling such sadness? Such lonliness? The irrational side of me  was winning, BIG TIME. I. Hate. That. I was in a huge funk and I needed to de-funk in a major way.

I spent much time on my knees praying to forgive. Praying to love other's the way He does. Praying to remember my blessings. Praying that goodness would come from my sadness. Praying that I would understand my divine worth and praying that I could start tearing down those walls that I was building up. I gave my burden to my Savior because I realized that He is the only one who could help me turn my heart around and heal. He has felt my loneliness. He has felt rejected. And even He, who was whipped and spat upon and hung on a cruel cross, guilty of no sin, forgave all. I needed His strength to pull me out of my pit.

And my prayers were answered.

Just a week or so ago I was talking on the phone with a dear friend when I felt prompted to confide in her. As soon as she heard that I was in distress she said, "Put on your running shoes. Meet me in 10 minutes. We are going to walk and talk this through and figure this out." And as we walked, I whined. She listened. She comforted. She helped me to look at the situation with new eyes. She spoke words of kindness and love. She told me it was O.K. to feel sad, but that it was up to me to take positive action. To walk the higher road. And I knew she was right. She helped me to feel sane and valued and not forgotten. She loved me. I needed that. She was my angel that day. And I hope I can be an angel in somebody else's life. That's why we're here, right? To love and serve each other. To learn from each other.

And now I am in the process of healing. In fact, I'm just about there. I still have little pings of sadness that invade every once in awhile, but for the most part I am back to my old self. I have a much brighter outlook. I can feel that walls are tumbling down. I feel at peace. I am not pretending anymore. I am grateful to my Savior for His atonement. I know I don't have to handle my burdens alone. Thank goodness. I am grateful for a wonderful and supportive family~ namely my eternal love, who loves me for me. And I adore him. I am grateful for the wonderful friends I do have that have touched my life and are such great examples of what I want to be when I grow up. I am also grateful for the powerful lessons I have learned through this experience about having a positive attitude and about how the Savior will heal our wounds and answer our prayers if we seek Him earnestly. I am NEVER alone.