Sobbing

The other day I was filling out Ivy's kindergarten papers when I was hit with a sudden sadness.

I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me sooner that my baby is really no longer a baby at all.  She's almost five for goodness sakes.

I realized that next year all four of my kids will be in school. I won't be teaching any co-op preschool classes. I will have time on my hands. This will be the first time in almost 12 years that I won't have a constant side kick. And this realization has made me sad and a little scared.

What am I going to do with myself?

Time has flown by so quickly and I need to figure some things out.

So, there's some options that I need to consider...

1. Have another baby. I don't think this is the answer. Matt and I both feel confident that Ivy was the little spirit that was meant to complete our family. And I am not feeling any huge pushes to have another babe, but it would satisfy my fear of not being ready to move into this next stage of life. After Ivy was born we got rid of everything baby as she outgrew things. It would be so weird to get into baby mode again! Mind you, I had not even had this thought until I had my mini panic attack while filling out her paper work.

2. Prepare to go back to school. If I do this my dream is to go to beauty school so I can cut hair out of our home. I LOVE, LOVE this idea because I have a passion for cute hair, I love to talk to people and I could schedule it around my family. The problem is that this will be very expensive and would be like me having a full time job for a little over a year while I complete the schooling. I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice that time with my kids. I need to look and see if I could go part time. Not sure about the logistics of this yet, but it's my favorite option.

3. Get a part time job, but not until Ivy goes into first grade. I worked in banking when Matt and I got married and loved it. We still have all of our accounts at the same bank and the same branch manager is still there. Sometimes when I go in they ask if I'm ready to start working yet. The nice thing about this option is that I'm confident I could get a job there again and they are not open on Saturdays or Sundays, so I would always have the weekends to spend with the family. The bank hours are from 9-5 Mon-Thurs. and from 9-6 on Fri., so I would be able to get all the kids off to school before I needed to be at work and if my hours went into the evening I would be home at a decent hour to get dinner done and help kids with homework. I still think it would end up being stressful though.

4. Throw my self into volunteering at the schools. This isn't a bad option. I love volunteering. And I am planning on helping with Art Lit next year. I always, no matter what I choose, want to keep up with doing some volunteering at the school. I just think it would be nice to find a way to express my creative side and make some extra cash along the way.

I have some hard decisions to make! And whatever I choose has to be in the best interest of my family.

Matt was so cute the other night. I was talking to him about my fears and sadness and I could not contain my tears. He patiently listened and stroked my hair and wiped my tears with his thumb and told me how pretty I was. He told me that he thought I was a spectacular mother and that our kids wouldn't be as happy and successful as they are without my efforts. I don't give myself enough credit for the things I do right, so I needed to hear these words. He was so supportive. It made me love him even more than I already do. What a lucky girl I am.

And when I went  upstairs to go to bed I stopped and kissed each of my kids as they slept soundly. My tears had still not stopped and as I looked at each child and thought about how fast they are growing up my tears turned to sobs. I don't remember the last time I sobbed like that.

I wonder if all Mom's behave this way after they've filled out their last child's Kindergarten papers?