Win This Fight

I've had this on my mind for a long time now. It's something I battle, but I am determined to win this fight. 

Recently the daughter of a friend got engaged to an amazing man after experiencing a dud of a boyfriend. Dud being a nice word. She commented to her mother that before meeting the love of her life she never believed that true love existed.  Oh, it does. Some of her experiences mirrored some of my own and as I learned about her past it drudged up memories of mine.

And because I still struggle to leave the past in the past I felt like I needed to do a mental check with how I am doing. And I'm doing good. Life is so happy. But I need to let some things go...for good... far, far away and never come back.

Before I met my sweet husband I was engaged to another man. I loved him. At least I believed I did. He was charming. Good looking. Funny. Witty. I was 19. He was 6 years older. A returned missionary. A convert to the LDS church. Whenever we were together amongst friends we were affectionately called the happy couple. I put on a good front. I kept a smile on my face. I wanted everybody to believe that we were just that: the happy couple.

But we weren't. Behind closed doors it was ugly. Really ugly. I cried constantly. Behind those closed doors I came to believe that I was Stupid. Ugly. Fat. Unworthy. Unlovable. Where there once was a girl who lived and loved life to it's fullest, there was now a girl afraid of her own shadow. All I wanted to do was please this man who claimed to love me. I wanted to become somebody worthy of his love because I had been convinced that no other man would want somebody such as I.

After a year of  enduring this abuse and realizing that my self esteem had fallen to the lowest of lows I decided to go behind his back and seek the help of my Bishop. At this point we had rings. A wedding date. I had to get out. Fast. That day I had decided to leave work early and get the help I knew I needed so badly. The Bishop wasn't there when I arrived, but a member of the Bishopric was. I confided in him. The first time I had dared pour out my soul since the abuse had begun. He listened. He counseled. He told me to get out as fast as possible and that he would help me to do it. He asked me if I wanted a blessing of comfort and guidance. Yes. Absolutely. I needed all the strength and help I could get because I had very little of my own left. I don't remember the exact words of the blessing. But it was beautiful. I felt God's love for me. I also felt His sadness at my situation. I do remember that as soon as this bishopric member said the word, Amen, I was suddenly filled with an energy that I had not felt in a long time. I felt like my old self was back. I felt I had the confidence to confront this man who had hurt me and that I would be able to stand up for myself in a way I had not been able to in a long time. And I did. God's power is real.

Fast forward 16 years. Most of me is back. But I still struggle. I am haunted by that voice that tries to convince me that I am Stupid and Unlovable. And I hate to admit that I choose to believe that voice all too often. Deep down I know it's not true. I know that I am a Child of God. I know that I have a divine purpose on this Earth. I know that I have a bright mind. I know that I am lovable. I know that Satan is the Father of these lies and I know that every time I choose to believe them I am giving him just what he wants. I have also realized somewhat recently that whenever I choose to believe this voice that tears me down I am continuing to give my ex-fiance that power that he so desperately wanted over me. He does not deserve it. And it is not his to take. I was never his robot.

And so I am working at tearing down those walls that I am so good at putting up. Walls that keep me protected. I'm doing better at not blaming myself whenever somebody doesn't love me the way I wish they would. I'm doing much better at ignoring those evil voices that tell me I'm not worth it. I'm getting braver at saying what's on my mind. It's a long process to heal from a damaged self worth.

It's amazing to me that even with all the lovely, positive voices that surround me and lift me up every single day ( and there are many) that I still let those mean, lying voices in. But I'm able to shut the door on them much quicker than I once did. Soon I hope to shut them out forever. I will win.